I don’t like the real world. That’s what I think whenever I look around when I am in my full glam. Walking around the gayborhood you would think it would a haven for femboys and others to flaunt their femininity. Yet all I see is baggy shorts with collard shorts and maybe the slightest thong above the waistline. BUT WHERE IS THE GLAM! WHERE ARE THE SHORT SKIRTS? WHERE THE HEELS? THE MAKE UP? THE LIPGLOSS? I understand that we are living in conservative times and that gender can be expressed in a multitude of ways. But within the homosexual community I do not want to see the kind of masculine homogeneity amongst everyone’s presentations. It feels so isolating for me and my homegirls! How is it within gay spaces I feel ostracized simply because I want to show some leg with a slit up my dress.
I hate it. I hate that when I step outside my door in anything even slightly feminine I feel the world staring down with hateful eyes. It sucks even more when it is the source of being rejected time after time. All because I enjoy to express myself on the opposite end of the gender spectrum. I would understand if I was hetero but for fucks sake to experience femphobia within the gay community is a knife that drives deeper into my chest. I don’t want to have to lower my voice when saying hi to a guy I find attractive. Correcting any flamboyant behavior so I can be desired. There shouldn’t be need for that type of modification within the dating scene. For one I feel way sexier whenever I dress in a feminine way! And why? Because within the feminine realm I lean into caring and devoting my energy to myself. Pouring in all the love I ever yearned for into my own well. Filling me with a confidence like no other. To be condemned for that is, well, I don’t really have the words.
Then you add in the fact that I am not only fem but also Black and it becomes a double whammy. As we all know the world hates black people, no matter what form they come in. I have been making peace with the fact that I will never be found beautiful by this world because of those backgrounds. But I wear these identities proudly. Even though that means carrying the burden’s of society’s perception ways down on me. I wouldn’t change who I am for the world. But I wish the world would change the way it views people like me. Seeing the beauty that is being black, the creativity and the ability to constantly arise from any challenge. To see that there is an actual human being within this beautiful black skin.
I do understand the hesitancy towards embracing femininity in oppressive system. Especially living in a red state like Texas. Yet, there are those who lived before me who lived in deeper circles of hell who rose up to allow someone like me to exist. So to the fear that lingers over us everyday I say fuck it. I know it’s a risk to leave my house looking like this. While I can’t say that I don’t fully not care, I would much rather die knowing I lived life being who I was than to hide in the shadows. After all that is what pride is about, to face the fear and live in our truths. In all colors of the rainbow no matter what end we land on. We are here to add color to this gray world.
That’s why I hate this obsession with “DL Trade”. For one it is just another way the world has commercialized Black Queer lingo (which sadly always happens). It also highlights a bigger issue within our community. So many of us chase after DL men because we are not fully comfortable with our sexuality. Finding more security being with someone who keeps everything in the dark. Mistaking that for safety when it is quite the opposite. I never find DL men attractive and cuss them out every chance I get. As a star like me should never be brought down by someone who does not love themselves. While I understand it is not safe for everyone to come out, I reiterate that being apart of the rainbow mafia gives a strength to persevere. To accept the belief that the only way to live a beautiful life is too simply be who you are. Granted I can say this from a place of privilege. Being that I come from a supportive family. But whenever I am scared to let my rainbow flag fly I think about the ones who came before. The Black and Brown queers who had been written off from society. Who against all the hatred and bullshit still chose to live authentically themselves. Even if it got them killed. They are immortalized for living their truth. That is true power.
There is safety in conforming I will always acknowledge that and do not condemn those that do. But when everyone is trying to be “trade” I do roll my eyes. Why be obsessed with looking the part of a straight man? Do we really think that will bring happiness. Sure it might bring you more hookups but if it’s an illusion can it really be satisfying? I say this because I have been guilty of it. Fearing that in sex if I wasn’t masculine I would never be considered to top. Using gym attire profile pics on #thatapp when I was younger. Just so I could be presented with the opportunity to be in that sexual position. Quite pathetic and sad to say it out loud but the truth sets us free. It did/does work but it always left me feeling empty. Being something else to fit the “part”. I sometimes still find myself doing it. As rarely do we ever see a feminine male be presented as a top. Yet that goes into a whole discussion of sexual positions and the misogynistic connotations we associate with them. Which if any content creator is reading GIVE US FEM TOPS!
Each day I just realize there is less and less space to be fem and feel safe. Now it’s just regulated to small intimate hangouts with my girlies. Though in recent months I have tried to combat that by forcing myself to be in some type of glam. Whether that’s just adding some gems to my face or a quick brush of eyeshadow before I go. Something to add my look to make feel truly beautiful. As this body I am given is mine to play with and dress how I please. Contrary to what this administration tells us, there is no right to present ourselves. The Universe gave us the freedom to think meaning we have the freedom to choose. Choose what we wear and how we want to be seen. Who are we, simply mortal beings, to deny that gift of existence? It should not be our first instinct to judge others for honoring that. While it may not be something we are into, the reasoning should not come from a hateful discriminatory place.
One day femininity will be appreciated across any gender spectrum. And people will not feel shy or ashamed for being drawn to it. They’ll embrace it and let it be known out loud One day my girls and I will admired for being who we truly are.
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