For the 4th time in less than a year I have had another friend breakup. In some ways it’s funny, I have no active love life but I am constantly getting dumped. The reasoning? I have been rude to them on more than one occasion and they feel we were no longer compatible. Fair, I know I can sometimes lash out but I always apologize and give the context for my behavior. I do respect when people leave my life. They had the gall to step away from something they no longer desired which most people lack the will to do. It still just hurts though. It has now becoming a frequent talking point, “oh yeah we’re no longer friends”. Saying it out loud does sting semblance of heartbreak.
Now none of my current friends have ever stopped me to say I am a bad person and/or a bad friend. Some of them I even have the honor of saying have been friends with me for over 10 years. Yet, I am always gripped by the fear that I am doing everything all wrong. That the need to speak about myself, my feelings and current life adventures corrupts my relationships. Even though these same people are asking me to speak and want to hear what I am feeling. As it usually does entail a good laugh along the way. But with these friendship breakups it just makes me question my worth. Am I doing any of my relationships right? If people are finding it so easily to leave me or hell just barely show up within the framework of being a friend. I wonder if it is because of who I am? Is there something wrong with me? Does this play a part in why I have faced nothing but rejection in romance for the last 4 years?
I have to shut those voices up though. Because yes, there is something wrong with me. But that’s just apart of having humanity. We are inherently flawed creatures, we are born to make mistakes because of our lack of knowledge about living and emotional biases. Also what is really bad? That is subjective for every person. One can see my emotional melodramatic gravitas as a hindrance. Yet for me I find it to be a sign that I am present. That I am honoring the gift that is to live. I do not run from my oceans. I learn to dive head first and ride the wave til calmer waters come ahead. But not everyone prepares for the weather before they leave their leave the door.
I just wish I was allowed to be human, that me being emotional didn’t come with “you’re being too much” or be mistaken as rude. I promise you, I am not yelling I am just naturally loud. This is not anger I am lashing out on you. This is just me stating why what you said/did bothered me. Even so, so what if I am too much? I present that on day one. I let it be known to all that I am a Diva. I am handful, hence why I am so fun and can always entertain. Though I do understand that people are allowed to try something and determine if they like it. Seems lately thought that I have become a sour taste. But as an Aquarius Sun, that is a normal response. Still, there is a sadness that comes out of that fact.
Even more infuriating is that my past friendships have ended because I was caring enough to call out their ill behavior. Most people assume that being held accountability makes the other person a bitch. That I will never understand, why am I the villain because I am calling what YOU did wrong. For example, earlier this year I had a friend who had the audacity to say that she expected more money out of me for her birthday. Mind you, everyone knows my current financial status. I’ve been struggling to make it as is. I still managed to save up just a tiny amount for her to send on her birthday. In addition, to a custom necklace I made her. Yet, when I let her know that was highly disrespectful I instead get a paragraph text sent about how I was never a true friend. I guess being there for emotional breakthroughs, constantly taking out their trash, cooking for them, driving them around town, etc does not equate to a genuine friendship.
I don’t call out hurtful actions to incite drama. That’s not how I was raised. I believe in love, and in love if something bothers you, you let that person know. So you can mend that pain and become stronger. An example of not speaking turns a rye is FKA Twig’s “Home with you”. The song is cry out to her past lover. A reflective piece dissecting that their problems could have been avoided if they just would’ve told them what was wrong. A beautiful number I highly recommend. I never call out my friends because I want to hurt them. I say what they did hurt me because I want our bound to be stronger. Through confronting painful feelings we can grow. I would much rather have a 10 min uncomfortable conversation than a argument that snowballs into a yelling match where we both end up verbally stabbing one another in the heart.
You can do so much for a person and they will not take a minute to consider how great of a deal that was for that to happen. I have been told on more than one occasion I am too nice. Hell, I have let people use my Triple A to get their car fixed, picked up friends from one city to another on my own birthday, carried people to their car cause they were too drunk or their feet hurt too much. I once even stuck my fingers down someone’s throat so they could throw up—that I do regret but they had way too much to drink and couldn’t stand up. I like to go the extra mile because I care. What I do in friendships is how I imagined what anyone would do for their friend.
I care, to the point where I give too much out of my own detriment. I don’t take the term friend lightly. If I chose for you to be in my life it is because amidst this crazy world, you are a comfort in the storm. A reminder of why I love life. Why would I let such a precious thing go? I will do everything I can to make it work. Yet, that is not healthy. As I cannot fight for something that someone does not want. It’s as useless as pouring into a bottomless well. To give into something that will always be unrequited.
But I get it, not everyone is meant to be my friend. Most people are leaves in the tree of life. Just being with us for a season and then drifting off once their time is complete. It is the branches that stay with us for our life time. I am not made for everyone, thank the stars. It is a weird but fun pill to swallow that I am an acquired taste. Especially those who are not emotionally developed or rather refuse to see beyond the surfaces. Some people will just see me as a gay ass bitch and nothing more. That’s fine. I know who I am and what I offer to this world. I personally believe that anyone who enters my life is lucky. As how rare and beatiful is it that we managed to cross paths. All because within a second one of us decided to say hi.
It does hurt though. As losing anything engenders grief. Luckily I have been through this many times before. I have been blocked by those who did not wish to understand me. That’s life though, people come and people go. But it’s the ones who stay and accept you for everything you are that have the real impact. I look forward to seeing how I grow and who will be alongside with me as I do.
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