I always grew up hating anything boyish. It never fit right with me. I found boys irritating as a child and now that I am an adult I find men to be the heel of my existence. Warranted of course because men have ruined everything and makes our life a living hell. Which is why I was elated to learning that gender is a spectrum and the non-binary identity existed. It fits me perfectly as I never felt like a woman and damn sure was not a man. I am a beautiful in between of femininity and masculinity. A stereotypical nonbinary who is androgynous. My appearance veers on in the in-between. I like to think of it as being divine. Yet, in this divinity there is turmoil that is brewing. In recent years as my exploration into femininity has grown, my resentment towards my masculinity has as well. You see my aversion to the same sex and gender has leeched into my own self worth. I have gotten into the habit of damning my beauty if it is ever to masc presenting. Telling myself that I can only ever be truly pretty if it is on the fem side. Out of the shame that I could be too closely related to being a man. Which has inadvertently made it hard for dating as I no longer can stand the presence of the same sex. However, it is pride season so what better time to reflect on myself and all the components that make up who I am?
My manager pointed out to me recently that therapy might be a good avenue to take in my resentment towards men. As we were discussing relationships and I pointed that I do not have the capacity to care about a he/him’s feelings. Unbeknownst to my manager I have been to therapy many many times. Though this was never brought up in any of my sessions. They mainly encompassed dealing with stress and trauma responses. Trauma that you can guess was caused by a man. It’s no wonder that I feel this way. Now many of my girlies would agree and understand this sentiment. How could I enjoy the presence of that gender when I never felt safe within their company? While I never dealt with outright homophobia growing up I would constantly hear ridiculed comments about femininity and women, the very things and people who were (and still are) my sanctuary. Even now in Houston the gayborhood is a hub for masc4masc. Rarely if ever is being fem yearned for or appreciated.
So naturally I have grown to hate my masculinity, yes I am aware of how masculine I naturally look but for the last couple of years I did not love it. I found it made me too boy-ish and stripped away my non-binary identity. This internalized self-loathing then became repellent against men of all kinds. Leading me now to be incredibly awkward around them. Not knowing what to say or how to feel out of my own safety as we know how unsafe it can be around that gender. This does cause a major dilemma as I am attracted this gender but have a disdain for them and parts of myself.
Which is where I’m having these self-discovery revelations. It took watching a podcast with Lushious Masscar (shout to you Queen) to reconcile with the fact that I do need to love my masculine side. She in her full-glam and womanhood preached about how she learned to love her masculinity. With it, it she can accentuate her femininity and drag. That both sides are needed to bring together who she is today. Hearing this made me take a step back to be honest that I have been denying myself my own full potential. Hiding and condemning my masculinity is limiting me from becoming the best version of myself. It’s also very exhausting not only mentally but physically. The constant shaving is annoying as hell and monitoring my weight to keep my somewhat androgynous silhouette is really damning to my mind. Especially since I have a history of ED. Listening to Lushious speak really hit me. This whole time I thought by soley focusing on my femininity I could become the diva I always dreamed of being. But I realized that I was looking at the glass half full, life needs balance. As light cannot exist darkness, without my masculinity I cannot let the other part of me shine.
It is a brutal wake up call because it also adds reasoning as to why I have felt somewhat lost even after so many ego deaths. As well why I’ve been single for majority of my 20’s. Which of course is not a bad thing since this is a decade of self-discovery. It just explains why romance is not being manifested. I am not in the mindset of totally empathy as I deny myself parts of my own humanity. Therefore life would not bring about something I do not have the capacity for.
Now I am not saying I am looking to change my identity to now be a man or change my presentation. But I want and am working on not shaming that side of who I am. As it was my masculinity that did give me strength to endure a lot. I need to stop viewing it as an enemy and more like, well I guess for lack a better term, a wing man. It does help me gain the confidence to go out in the world. Almost like an armor, I can view it as a protective shield for my femininity. It probably shouldn’t have taken this long for me to come to such realizations but your girlie takes time. Besides isn’t that what pride season is all about? To celebrate not just the community but all that encompasses who we are?
So I look forward to this new journey of rediscovering my masculinity and what that look likes for me. So far it does seem to be more gym sessions and not feeling such a need to groom my face everyday. I feel a new type of excitement to wear my skirt and heels, as I can slowly feel myself becoming whole. This doesn’t mean in any way that I view as men as a safe space because you know, men! But I can begin to feel grounded and safe in the parts of me that present in a more masculine way.
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