I know this might sound a lil extreme and maybe a tad ungrateful but I do mean what I say with full sincerity. As well acknowledging that I am still a human whom is very flawed. Over this last week I had become immensely depressed, not totally out of the ordinary for someone with depression. The reasoning though this time was the awareness of how alone I am. Behind the stories and posts of me gallivanting the streets of Houston is someone who yearns for more than just the social “hi’s” and “byes” of parties. I realized I have become something of a socialite as I’ve integrated myself in Houston. A feat that I know is one to be proud of. As it is not easy to move to a new city and become a known figure in any social space. I am not saying my presence means anything of course. I am just a person who will say “hi” to everyone in the room at a party. Yet, a sadness grows within me because I think that’s all I am being perceived to be. Just a party diva that you see throwing ass on the floor.
It might not sound like a bad thing but when you’re only known to be seen at parties there is a reputation that is garnered. I become seen as someone you hit up for a good night out. Or to add some a dash of humor to a social event. I don’t mind being considered for this but I am moody and complex. I am not just one thing, I am many things all at once. The dance floor is fun yes but that only expressed one side of me. There are other facets of my personality that want to be seen. Many niches and hobbies that have yet to be shown outside my room. I enjoy a quiet night in watching a movie or a simple stroll through a market.
Over the last months, parties have been the only space I am invited to. Even though half the time it’s not really an invitation. Just a “hey are you going to__”. As I enter parties alone and leave the same way. I am very humble that I have enjoyed long nights of rump shaking but I would be equally satisfied with brunch dates with the girlies. Those type of social scenes are becoming rarer and rarer for me.
I started to almost cry about it because on the nights there is no function I am alone in my room. Just the same as I am during the week. I have yet to find an established friend group. I am not saying I don’t have friends but I am, for lack of a better term, a nomadic friend. It’s always been that way since I was a kid. I hop from friend group to friend group. Enjoying a few laughs and stories. But I never become a core member, my time is short and my appearance are usually for celebrations rather just causal hangs. Is that a bad thing? No. Not entirely but when you’re someone like me who envisioned adulthood to be long nights filled with sleepovers or days of where one receives calls saying “hey, I am bored. Can I come over?”. Well, a little part of you gets sad.
It’s not that I have not tried. I let people know that we should get together to make breakfast or check out this restaurant! It’s always agreed that it’s a good idea but nothing ever manifests from that conversation. I do set the plans in motion to no avail as people get busy or the idea is never brought up again. I even had discussions with my friends that I do need more. I am diva after all. I know everyone is going through it. I am not asking for the moon and the stars but I would still like to feel like I matter. That I am not just a friend you hit up when you want to party. But one you can call just to exist and be around doing nothing. It makes me feel like I am important and worth remembering. As there aren’t many words said on the dance floor.
I don’t blame anyone though. I am sure I have a lot of blame for the current state of my social dynamics. I could just call out of the blue and be the initiator. I just become afraid because everyone I know is tired and is usually busy. I have a tendency to be a people pleaser and fear being considered a bother. I have been trying to be the initiator my whole life and I think I have reached a point where I do not want to. Even worse whenever people do try to initiate plans I freak out subconsciously and find ways to get out of it.
I don’t know if it’s the autism but when people want to some place in my life I flinch at that notion. I can’t tell if its genuine and I am frightened at the idea of a change in my routine. I am alone majority of my time. That change in my daily structure freaks out my brain. I have my high anxiety to thank for that. I don’t see it as an opportunity but something to stress over. I do my best though and have learned to say less to these moments more.
I know I sound like a spoiled brat. Perhaps my suburban upbringing is blinding me from arrogance. I just don’t feel integral to anyone’s social dynamics. I want that friend group dynamic I see so many of my mutuals enjoy. The community dinners and simple hangouts that. To simply just exist with one another, I’d like to have this be a common occurrence in my life. Where being with others is not just on the dance floor where I can get overwhelmed with a internal pressure to perform. But it could all just be in my head. I did add the word “over dramatic” in the title of this entry. It’s a very strong chance I could be doing my life entirely wrong. Maybe I am not saying the right words or acting in the right way. Who knows? I still have hope and reserve those special glasses in my cabinet for the day the girlies want to come over for brunch.
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