This past week my favorite tarot teacher pulled the 7 of pentacles as the theme for this week. Asking us to have it out and reflect on it’s meaning as we go about our week. Now normally I am not a huge fan of collective readings but when in Rome. The 7 of pentacles is about reflection, taking a moment to step back and analyze on what’s being built and invested in. It got me thinking, what have I been doing? What am I building or working on? And is it really worth the pay off? The questions then turned into a cycle of self-criticizing and validating thoughts.
On one hand I have made much effort to set aside time to learn more about my interests such as astrology and tarot. Even finally advertising that I’m doing readings again on donation based pricing. Yet, the negative thoughts creep in that I am not doing enough. I have an extended weekend and yet I took it to not do much. I only made 1 new piece of jewelry and wrote a blog entry that I most likely will not post. I took so much inaction that it cannot simply turn into anything. But then again I question, why should I even feel bad about that? Yes, I know I could be always doing more myself and my career but truthfully I am also very concerned with the idea of living.
Shouldn’t an afternoon spent outside in the park be just a gratifying as a afternoon spent working on my craft? They’re both one in the same if I think about it. Doing nothing all day means that I get to say that in this lifetime I got to rest. I chose to not prioritize the stress of always “doing”. It’s still hard to view it as beneficial decision. But I have to rethink and re-frame why I view it as a negative one to begin with. So yes, spending my Sunday in the park (great musical btw) does not move forward in either career or money. It does not help me to get closer to being debt free. It takes time away from my other responsibilities. I am given every reason to feel like I am making decisions that are too laxed. But the crazy thing is, I am calm. I feel free and closer to knowing what it feels to be at peace.
When I die, I can look back at all of my achievements and feel proud of all that I was able to accomplish. I know that feeling of will be like no other. Yet, at the same time I also desire tranquility. To know I had a life filled with calmness and the comfortability of doing nothing. Taking time to rest and let me mind just float among the clouds. To not have the presence of stress around to validate any motivation. I want to be able to say I stopped and smelled the roses.
Looking at it yes, these decisions to choose passiveness do not lead up to anything grandiose. But I am learning to be okay with that. If the 7 of pentacles wants me to look back and ask, are you satisfied with this? I will answer, yes. Yes, I am glad I took extended time to do nothing and let myself move like a slow current. I am glad that I am not driving myself mad to be at a different place in my career and finances. I have very little to no control over these “themes” anyways given the current political and economic state we’re in.
I may not be where I want to be or have all the things that I want. But I’m learning what peace not just looks like but feels. I’d rather build upon understanding this than meeting capitalistic standards of a good life. One day I will achieve everything that I want. It will come in time, until then I am happy to take the time to just unwind, pack a bowl, and just watch the clouds.
Leave a Reply