Last week I had an interesting text message come in from an old friends with benefits. Starting with the “Hey, I have an embarrassing favor to ask.” I was overwhelmed with an anxiety. Thinking it was one of those ‘you need to get tested’ type of messages. But no, it took an even worse turn. They proceeded to explain that their new boyfriend is the jealous type and they were being forced to apologize to me for hooking up when him and said boyfriend were “talking”. Not even in the exclusive stage, but that’s beside the point. The message had undertones of an ending, hinting that from here on out “I cannot speak to you”. I started to become irritated because this is not the first nor the last time a friend’s insecure man forced our friendship to end. That friend and I had a good rapport and for it to end because of a man’s jealously is not right in my eyes! We had known each other way longer and spoke highly of another. For it to end so abruptly because of man pissed me off to be quite frank.

Any time a friend has mentioned to me their boyfriend. Our connection has been no more. It infuriates me because why should our connection end because your man cannot handle the fact that your friend is hot? To quote the iconic Detox,”I’VE HAD IT OFFICIALLY!”. When it comes to gay men, them and I have had a very strenuous relationship. Mainly rooted in jealously and an incessant need to outdo me. I’ve lost friendships, even potential ones because of how gay men view me as an opp. I’ve walked into many a bars and parties instantly met with eyes attempting to cast Ojo. “What did I do?” I always asked myself. Trying to navigate what I considered to be a minefield of said social scene. But now I’ve come to accept that I’m not the problem. It is how I’m being perceived as threat when I’m doing nothing that’s the problem.

Of course this is a broad statement and I don’t mean to paint everyone on that end of the rainbow spectrum this way. But we need to address the elephant in the room…gay men are still men. There have been many of dissertations written on how men lack the social skills needed to formulate healthy relationships. So I won’t beat a dead house. What I can say is that many gay men do not stop to reflect and recognize their hetereonormative cis man ways. After all they were conditioned from birth to be a straight man. That type of assimilation does not vanish once one walks out of the closet. It stays in the mind and manifests throughout one’s life time.

Gay men love to say “Oh it’s so hard to make gay friends”. Yet that conversation is never followed up with reasoning. Of course gay men can easily make friends but if there are obstacles. It is usually because they are acting like a typical man. I mean that in the worst way possible. Since colonization, men have been groomed to not foster emotional connections. To not value empathy and depth. So it would then stand to reason that men who have not sat back and decolonized their mind would then struggle to have and maintain relations of any kind. I again reiterate that many who come out believe the act of coming out absolves such apathetic traits. Stepping out of the closet however, is just the first step. Yes, not being straight is a divergence from the norm yet that doesn’t hinder straight cis male behavior to seep through. It requires unlearning which is work. Which let’s be honest men shy away from any work involving the inner-workings of the mind. Again, a behavior conditioned by society as men should not be in touch with their emotions.

I don’t say all of this to bash members of my own community. No quite the opposite, I love gay men. I’ve slept with too many for that statement not to be true. But I always find myself at odds with them. Whether it be a connection that turned sour to the pettiness or emotional immaturity. Or simply a general dislike. Which normally I would be understanding of. However, it usually comes down to the fact that there was a competitiveness I was not made aware of. I feel as every time I’m in a predominately gay men spaces I have to prove myself in some way. A catty side of me wants to come out in defense. Wanting to fight to let the room know that no one is better than me. I stop and don’t let it out of course. Calming myself realizing there is no threat. I recognize that I’m just replicating the energy in the room. We all are edge in some way. Wanting to prove our worthiness of existence. Even in spaces made to feel safe. Which makes me think, maybe we’ve programmed to react this way?

The immediate into defense mood is just the by-product of having to shelve one’s sexuality for so many years. In tandem with the constant defense from the harassment of not like being a ‘regular boy’. Has conditioned one to view any man as a threat, even the ones who wear the rainbow flag. I try to empathic, coming to the reason that the off putting feeling I get from gay men is due to this. A defense mechanism to protect from previous pains. Yet I naturally do want to say,”I am not responsible for how one handles their trauma so cut that shit out.”. Though that might too abrasive.

So I will simply say this, Gay men I am not your enemy. You don’t have to be my friend or acquaintance. Just know I am a not a threat to you, to your relationship(s), or well being. I am my own person doing my own thing. Outside of our curated spaces there is an actual world who seek to off all members of our community. That is the real threat. Not the stand offish feeling you get from one look at my RBF (I cannot change that nor do I want to). Recognize who you are and who I am. We are two people who share very very similar struggles. I want community so desperately with all members of the rainbow mafia. But that cannot come true unless everyone does their part. So relax, and let’s just enjoy our time.