I’m 25. That’s a quarter of a century years old, living in the first quarter of this new century. Putting this into perspective it makes me realize how infantile my state of being is and the timing of this existence as well. I am 25, I know a shit ton while knowing nothing at the same time.

Do I know what to make of my life, or hell even life in general considering our planet is on fire, genocides plaguing nearly every piece of land, and having the kkk run a nation founded in slavery? Hell to the fucking no, and saying this out loud I realize how reassuring it is to not know what to do with my life considering my youth and the external world.

What am I doing? I am unemployed and sit in my room all day thinking. I constantly ask myself, what should I be doing? How can I make all of this better? What more could I be doing? Yet every sunrise I am realizing the answer is simple. I must take it one day at a time. Rest of course but do what I can given in the limited time we are allotted each day.

It’s not an answer I am particularly fond of because wtf?? I was raised to be busting my ass day and night and not sit still until everything was figured out. However, we are grown now and know that only leads to exhaustion. So I know better now than to do this. Yet, the solution of moving one day engenders such conflicting feelings in me. As If I only give myself a day I am left asking, how is this going to end? Am I doing any of this right? What if I have entirely misconstrued this lesson in life?

It’s exhausting darling, I know they said growing up was difficult but goddamn. Is it really this hard and confusing? And to add insult to injury I’m struggling this hard and I live in america. I can’t even fathom how difficult it must be without the privileges I inherited. It makes me realize how much of a soft life I have lived. Which brings me back to the question of whether am I doing any of this right?

I have no idea, but no one does. Which honestly is a comforting thought. Knowing that we’re all just essentially faking it til make it. And no one said a diva has to have it all figured out. A diva just lives her life the way she always wanted in whatever fashion she can. And I am, I still have an apartment that’s essentially a giant shroud to me and my beliefs, I create the art I’ve always wanted. More importantly, who doesn’t love a diva that makes a triumphant comeback? Looking at this from a different lens this is all just making it for a more interesting story. These are the rising and falling actions of my life. Is it fun to experience? No comment. However, at the end of this story, I’m sure I will look back and laugh. Reconciling with the fact that yeah, I really lived and made it out of that and it took me places I couldn’t even fathom.

I am hoping that those places are much better than where I am currently, and even if they aren’t…well at least I can say I tried. Throughout all the hindrances I still have found moments to smile. To laugh and love with those I care for and with myself. Even if that is just a small budget-friendly get togethers or getting wine drunk in my room playing my favorite music. I am trying to make my life better while enjoying the simple pleasures. It’s not always glamorous but as the saying goes, not “all that glitters is gold”. And not all dim things are lackluster, I tried to do something there but you get the point.

And maybe that is the true beauty and lesson I am supposed to be learning. That it really is just the small things. Because it is in these small moments that give us hope and carry us through the big and scary ones.

So I toast my dollar-tree wine glass in the air, shout out to Ari Lennox, to not knowing what the hell to do in life.