I am pretty but I am ugly. I am an Adonis but I am a peasant. I am beauty incarnate but I am grotesque to the eye. Contradicting? Yes. But that is the reality of my experience in the dating world or lack thereof.

In recent years I have been rejected more times than I can count. The amount of messages that have been left on read, guys saying no the minute they saw me in person, or to immediately blocking me after saying “Hi”. I find rejection is just redirection because it is their loss not mine. In some ways makes me feel more confident, because look at me! Working in tandem with that however, is the hurt that comes along with being rejected. To not being wanted.

It seems that as I grow older, more confident, and more beautiful that I am wanted less and less. I’m normally fine with on my own. I usually always am. But I’m approaching a 3 year mark of being single and have not been on a date since. There’s been no suitors, no flings, no situationships. Just me, myself, and I. Sometimes it’s nice but like anyone would feel, I get tired and then the sadness starts to creep in. No matter how hard I try to lock the door, it finds its way inside.

The oddity is is I thought as I grew into my beauty, that in turn I would be chased after more. Yet there is no one there, no one even far beyond the horizon coming. My love life is now a dried up well. It doesn’t help either that I am both black and gender non-conforming. Traits that are not heavily sought after in society. Fortunately I do see it happening for others, which makes me so happy. My community deserves to be showered with love and romance! I just can’t help but get sad because it does seem like it will never happen to me.

I’m fine with being to myself but as humans we crave romance. In times like today I want to be chased after. I’m not looking for my forever. Just a fun time to fully live out my 20’s. This is the time to explore as much I want to! To see all what romance can look like as a grown adult. To live my Sex and The City fantasy! Going on dates with different types of people, creating memories, enjoying dinners, given flowers, late night calls! Then reporting all the juicy details to my girlfriends over brunch as we catch up on life’s chaos.

Now I know it’s not me, it’s them. They are intimidated by my authenticity and beauty, yet the negative thoughts make me realize that it is me. There is something about me that causes men and those in between to flee. To admire my beauty and then walk on by. It feels as if I’m punished for simply loving the skin I am in. Then again that’s the pinnacle of existing in amerikkka. Authenticity is not a virtue that is held high in praise here. The alternative is to shrink myself down to an acceptable size so I won’t be too much. I’d rather die than ever do that again though.

I am young and I know there is a multitude of experiences that lie ahead to fulfill that need. I get impatient however, and don’t want to wait. Why can’t I have it now? Why is it that the more beautiful I become the farther and farther away the dream of romance gets. Maybe that’s just how the stars have it planned for me. To wait the long game to get what I want. Personally I think that can be considered a cruel thing to do. Especially to someone with anxiety who cannot wait calmly.

I know at the end of the day external validation is not needed nor do I chase after it. I just hate that I get upset by it. I am human though and these are human feelings. So I will not be ashamed of embracing this heaviness. Because at the end of the day I still see myself as the most beautiful creature to walk the earth. Romance or not I will still shine and be fine.