I have a feeling I’m going to get the chop at my job soon, and I have a choice. Either stand up for myself or not. I’m utterly terrified to do so because I’m not sure if it’s the right choice because a part of me is already accepting being unemployed. I was once, and it was one of the worst times in my life.

I’m stuck because this choice could save me from a possible jobless future. Yet I also just want to lay down and accept the dark days because I find that gloom-filled days are predestined. The whole point of why I’m even writing this is to hope to find an answer that will drive away this terrifying fear that I’m trying not to succumb to.

A classic story of struggling with mental health, worth noting that this week has already been one of the worst of my life. I experienced one of my greatest fears, being trapped in an elevator. A traumatizing time is an understatement of the ramifications it had on my mind. It feels as though this week has been a series of tumultuous waves. I know soon I will wash upon the shores, but currently, I am gasping for breath with every little break of relief.

The worst part is, that it is my undoing. I caused this, I was being irresponsible and underestimating how fast things can turn. The protection I thought I usually carry is not always foolproof. I got lost in my hubris as a young-ling who yes, does feel that my juvenescence makes me achillian. The naiiveness gets bad but there is so much to life that I haven’t experienced that leads to me believe that I’ve already been through the worst. I sometimes am under the impression that I’m prepared for whatever because I already lived through hardships.

And if being trapped in an elevator has taught me anything is that life will throw your greatest fears at you. Any time, and when it does I just think “GAH DAMN! HAVEN’T I ALREADY BEEN THROUGH IT!”. However, in my experience, it is not half of what life can throw. So I stop and reflect to try to ground myself and accept that no matter what choice I make I cannot stop the dark days from coming, and I am scared they will be back to back. Is this a cry for help? No, it is just me writing what real life can be and what it currently feels like.

A job doesn’t define me and I know that, but the idea of all the hardships that can and might happen in the future is weighing me down on today of all days. Venus Day, the planet of love. Ironic but then again love isn’t always sunshine. Just like the rose’s thorns, love simultaneously exists with things that cause pain.

An emotive dam just broke as I wrote all this. That’s what feeling my emotions feels like. Apart of me chooses not to feel bad that I caused these problems because at the end of the day, I chased pleasure and the opportunity to do things for myself. Yes, I know that we must find that equilibrium with wants and responsibilities but can’t I save that for my 30s? Can’t we just skip this part? I know we can’t but why not?

But let me not self-depreciate too much. I am very responsible, I make any mistake someone in my 20s would make. And yes those mistakes have had big consequences. Of course, I regret how I handled the situations but also I don’t at the same time. I am just a silly human on a living rock. We are literally a speck in the vastness of all that there is. I am here to live my experience and navigate it the best way I can. This includes fumbles and falls along the way. I will fall, get back up, and fall again.

Yet the only I can do, is just exist. And maybe that is the answer I needed to figure out this entire disaster of a week.