My writing habit is like that of a recurring situationship. The frequency of when it comes is unhealthy but when it’s good it’s great! A lot has happened since entering the last stage of my middle 20’s. Can I say it’s been mostly good? If we discount the fact that I’m living under a falling fascist state then sure! I am fortunate to say that for someone who is apart of so many oppressed identities. That I’m doing somewhat fine. Sadly many of my people cannot say the same. I do wake up with a little fear that’s like a lump in my throat. Being a constant reminder to swallow the bitter truth, I and my community are on borrowed time.

The whole world is planning to leave the US behind. A warranted action that I’m in full support of. Yet so far I have no contingency plan or even resources to migrate. Honestly apart does not want to make such reservations. I figure hell, if this a sinking ship then I might as well enjoy a front row to seat. Indulging in the witness of the makers of the evils of this world be devoured by their own creations. It is from these waters of clarity that make the morning bitterness easier to swallow. Though personally I don’t feel it is the craziest thing mindset I carry in life currently. No, the most ludacris thing is that somehow I am still pursuing my creativity.

It does seem maddening that even now I’m sitting here getting high and writing my thoughts down for those to read. I should instead be stashing away whatever little money I have into a savings. In hopes to have the funds to buy a one-way plane ticket out of here. While yes, I do have savings (thank the stars). My main priority is just dealing with the present. Staring the blazing inferno that lies before me straight in it’s eyes. Most would take this as a sign to stop. But from my recent studies of astrology (shout out to Blaze), it is that heat generates movement. I’m very fearful of the flames, but I also have the option to use them to ignite my own fire. If I am to go out in a fiery ending then I would much rather do so by dancing with the flames. With everyday I am very aware the world is ending to start over again and there is a good chance I will not be around to see the start of tomorrow. But that does not sadden me to leave me bed ridden. It invigorates me to go after more.

It is the pursuit of love in a system of hate that instills resistance. Adopting this framework of the mind has made my days a lot easier to manage. Especially with the wise words from dear friends. Maijay, for example who is an amazing tattoo artist by the way. Reminded me that even the Harlem Renaissance was cultivated during the Great Depression. Darkness can over take a land but light still finds ways to blossom. Cementing the fact that two things can be true at once.

It is cruel that while I walk, or rather drive, down the streets. Everything is falling around me. Still somehow the light inside is growing. Being a beacon to find my way through the ever growing mess. Maybe that is the gift of being a Saturian. Through the harshness and rigidness of the Father of Time’s hand does one grow a resilience to weather the darkest storms. What a storm this is. Still I believe in better days, that one day I can live a life of existing solely just to act on my creativity. Although I had to get rid a good amount of some of my other goals and desires. They were too rooted in this disintegrating system. I will most likely never get my magazine or blog to be a published household name in the realm of writing. Or be herald as a fashionista with hit day time talk show. Yes, that last one hurt to let go because Wendy Williams did have a major impact on my childhood. It hurts to let go so I must remind myself that art is not about the finished product but the creative process that gives it so much meaning. To quote Labi Siffre “I thought my day would never come. Maybe it won’t but I’ll have fun.”.

This all could be just be the side effects of being in my youth. I mean I do have much bigger problems like taxes and a mountain of debt that will take me my whole life to pay off. These from outsider should be what I need to be focusing on. I would agree and say that my priorities are out of sorts but money isn’t even real. If this world has only such little time than it is more absurd to me to waste it stressing on what money I “owe” to faceless corporations. I can use the remaining minutes to sprinkle joy wherever I can in life.

Really what other time would there be to pursue my creative passions? The promise of tomorrow is never guaranteed, especially now. So fuck it. It’s not like my art is selfish anyways. Yes, I talk about me but unlike most of the oblivious internet influencers. I can step away and address the elephant in the room. A skill that is disappointingly not ubiquitous. This world wants to see very little of my type of people anyways. So being a petty Saturian I will will gladly parade my existence out of spite.

In the midst of the brewing fires I am still here writing, making my jewelry, putting together a fashion magazine, and recently started modeling. True it’s just my digicam and a ring light. But art is art if I choose to call it so. Doing all of this is foolish in varying ways. Yet I learned a long time ago that there is no right way to live life. Giving the conditions that we are in now. I believe it is even more imperative to operate through the lenses of joys and passions. Spreading it far and wide. Maybe then we will then see the sun shine.