You would think at 26 I would have this friendship thing sorted out already…but alas I find it harder and harder to grasp. They never do prepare you for adult friendships and how to keep them. Or rather deal with them. I have made a lot of friends over the years but as I get older and my priorities change I do have to ask, are we really friends?

That sounds rude on the surface but I never ponder that question with malice in anyway. It is a genuine question. I know the only one who can constitute and define what a friendship is to me, is well me. Being though I have my own trauma and irregular way of thinking. I feel that I may not be the best person to define those parameters.

I get lost in the weighing of the scales of each of my relationships. Being as empathetic I can be while measuring how truly satisfied I am with my connections. My mom always tells me the people you meet at parties are strictly just party friends, there is really nothing beyond that. I believe this to be true but being told “I love you” or having them embrace you with so much acceptance and joy.I begin to question the expansiveness of our dynamic. I think, maybe this is a true friend and if I was in trouble I genuinely believe they would try and help out. Does that make someone a friend or just a really good acquaintance?

I know that not every connection has to be some soul binding one. As that only happens seldom. But I don’t think I’m good at just being surface level friends. Okay not that I’m bad at them, I have many but honestly they throw me off. I know the beauty of them is that you really don’t need to put a lot of energy into them. However, that’s what I like to do. I don’t find most of society interesting or unique (its the conformity mindset that got this world where it is today). So when I meet someone and we hit off, that means something to me. To have that reverence fascinates me and I want to get to know said person more. Alas, it is a surface level friendship and they don’t go out of their way to make a huge appearance in my life because our dynamic is to be low maintenance That’s how it’s suppose to be. I understand but damn can we at least get brunch once every other month?

It does not help either that we are in an era of dwindling communication skills. I won’t go into my tangent of how technology has only increased the flight response to conflict because you can see examples of it everywhere. If someone does not communicate with me on at least biweekly basis then does this person really care about me? I mean we say it all the time, “if they wanted to they would”. While primarily that sentiment is reversed for romantic relationships I feel it is more important to apply it to friendships. If I want to see someone I go out of my way to let them know and try to arrange a hangout between us. Yet again my mom reminds me, “not everyone thinks the same as you do” —Scorpios do get a bad rep but they are so wise on deciphering if a relationship is real or not. Just because I would and do all of these things for my friends doesn’t inherently mean the other person would. The world doesn’t view friendships exactly how I do. For example I personally shower my friends in attention because that’s what I love and want. Constantly sending posts, songs, or random pictures of my outfit and cooked meals. Boosting them with every selfie they share and always seeing how they’re doing and not taking “I’m fine” as an adequate answer. I want to reaffirm them that they are integrated into my life and we play a huge part in each others’ story. Again though I stop and question—if this energy is not reciprocated than surely this person does not care about me or our friendship right? I wish that question could be so simply to answer. Yet nothing is that black and white.

Life is so hard. We are all on running on E. No one has prepared our generation to live through the downfall of an empire or barely be able to afford to eat. With all the stressors going on it is amazing for most of us just to make it through the end of the day without crying. My longest streak without crying has been 1 week—frankly I find that to be a long time period. Anyways, the point being is I feel guilty. What if the standards I am setting for my friendships are way too high? Maybe I am the problem. Expecting too much out of people when in reality everyone has so little to give.

I will be even more honest, I too have not always been the best of friend. Being a Saturnian is not for the faint of heart. Especially growing up as a Black & Brown queer in the south I had to toughen my exterior. I have had many “wtf girl” moments. I can be a little… okay maybe pretty mean sometimes. However it is never intentional! Sometimes words leave my mouth without a notice of how others may not have the best reaction. It does not excuse it, but I always apologize and take accountability. I am very far from perfect and that is okay. Majority of my bad friend moments happened when I was very young anyways. Way before I truly understood my mental health and established coping mechanisms. I am way better now but I always worry that maybe the reason why I have all of these questions around friendships is because of me. Maybe I am the root of the problem. I could be better, we all can. But there is always this fear that I am not doing enough as a friend.

I thankfully do have 2 amazing best friends who always reminds me that I am enough. Rarely if ever have we had more than a tiff. I can count them on my hand actually. They have raised the bar in my eyes. Of course I know everyone is different and a regular friend cannot compare to a bestie. Yet I do get lost in comparing, I think well my bestie would have done X, Y, and Z so maybe I should let this person go because they can’t do what my best friend can do. Saying that out loud I understand how ludacris that is! But I can give myself grace, this is the first time I ever am living this life. I struggle to find the exact parameters of how much each friendn should contribute to my life story.

I am in an constant cycle of am I doing this right? At the end of the day truly all I yearn for is to have relationships where we feel adorned. Where we can come uninvited to each others’ homes and just be. To make dinners with one another or just swing by to get some leftovers. Go to happy hour on a Tuesday after work just to have a moment to decompress. Or go to the farmers market and vent about our week and the aweful or wonderful date we had. I envisioned all of this for myself as a kid. I want to make those dreams come true and I’m doing my best.

I don’t want to end this sounding ungrateful. I am very thankful for all of the people I have met in my life. Even if it was just for a moment and I never saw them again. I thank them, because each interaction teaches me something about life. Whether it is a positive lesson or a negative one I have gained a new piece of life’s puzzle. How lucky and a rare chances of whomever and I having the chance to meet in this life. Being at said place at said time and saying “Hi”. I find that to be very beautiful. In another life all of that could have been missed. Of course I would like the dynamics I have to go a certain way but I can’t control life. I am thankful that the Stars have guided me to meet my friends. Past, present, and future ones. Even if they don’t look the way I had always envisioned, they are still blessings nonetheless. Besides nothing in life stays the same so in the future we can all be where we want to be and give each other the experiences we always yearned. Until then, all I can ask is that we show up the best way we can.