I live by the sentiment that you should live life like a TV Show. That everyday is an episode and every drastic life change is a new season. In doing so I have taken it to the extreme seeing myself in characters whose life has no basis in reality. I start to see myself in them, at first as way to relate but as life got worse they became my escape, People like Carrie Bradshaw weren’t just a character to me but extension of myself. There are others but we don’t have time to go through the list. The point is is that I am not any of these characters. The realization hit me today during my famous late talks with Mary Jane. I am a Luna Angel Sky Washington and I am my own person with my own life.

I say I am not Carrie Bradshaw because 1) I am not white. Obviously her and I share the some qualities but by reminding myself I am not her I am forced to look at my life and really see what I have created within it. I recognize how at the end of the day I am my own individual being who is living my own story to tell. With not plot lines but real life real events, real relationships, real heartache, real laughter. Real feelings. Feelings that half of the time are yes ennui. While the other is contentment that makes one ride high.

I am a lot of things. I am a moody, inconsistent, hard-headed, stubborn, very non-nonchalant, unrealistic, kind, compassionate, loyal, beautiful, non-binary, and on the spectrum black latino queer. I shouldn’t only see myself in a character when I am myself am multifaceted. I am someone who is a plethora of beings and has no idea what the hell they’re doing.

I’ve been relating to TV shows/characters and albums as a form of coping. Nothing new its a normal behavior to do. But when your brain has some wires crossed like mine. The lines of relating get blurred. In trying to find myself in other art forms I have somewhat lost myself. Or rather my vision lacked focusing on my own reflection and instead was on an amalgamation of what I was feeling.

In short, I got lost in the over romanticizing of my life. Yes, it’s fun to live and think my life is a TV Show. But it’s not something that can be watched it has to be experienced and lived! I over romanticized it because I didn’t want to see the mess that has been this year. I was lacking the candor that eventually gets forged through the process of aging.

And the truth is that this year has been a fucking mess. I was targeted at my job and fired for racism. My attempt at dating was abhorrent. Not to mention experienced being stood up more than once. I was forlorn a lot of these months. The heaviness of these trying times pushed me to want to see myself in other beings. That way I could, “say it is not that bad”. Here’s the thing, it is because of the darkness that we have light. By not accepting of the hard times I have been through. I failed to see the other half of the truth, which is that I am turning my life around.

I have to accept that the truth hurts is really only a half statement. It is a release and a confirmation of all the good things that I have achieved. I found a way to get another job (thanks to community). Securing my rent to let me stay in such an artistic city. I forced myself to work through my depression and find new friends to experience moments with. Dancing our asses off at the clubs focusing on no one other than each other and making me feel seen. I took chances and risk when in dating. Going up to guys and leading the conversations to more than just a “hi”. And even through all the rejection I still never settled, choosing to be single over the daunting dread of being alone.

I never stopped to look at how far I got myself from off the ground. The escapism distracted me from soaking in the convalescence that I somehow mustered up. This isn’t a brag but affirmation to myself. Recognizing who it is I really am and what I have done. I have overcame struggles, as we all do. I just haven’t stopped to give myself a pat on the back. Which can happen if one is not paying attention to their own life. It’s scary to look at and really see. All the little details, like zooming on a painting. But by seeing all the finer details I can fully appreciate the work of art that is my being.

I don’t need to think I am anybody else. I am my own person with my own life. A life that is messy, pure chaos even. However I am learning as am now as an adult, chaos is the clusterfuck of the good and the bad. Existing simultaneously, intertwined. Breaking all concepts of the understandings of life. I apologize if this is all over the place but that is me. That is who I am and this is my life.