Now, I will be the first one to admit that I am not the hardest worker in the room. I can and have the full capacity to be that person. But honestly, I’m just too moody. I am very much a person who has to be “in the mood” to do anything. It’s the reason why I have bailed on numerous plans and missed out on so many parties. It’s not that I didn’t want to it’s more of “if it’s not a hell yeah, then it’s a hell no”. I don’t want to have to fake any feelings to leave the comfort of my space. I am a Cancer rising after all. This does create a problem when I live under a capitalistic system that expects consistency and the pushing out of whatever product is demanded to be made. This expectation obviously is torture for all of us especially for moody girls like me. And currently, the “consistency” mindset has swept its way into my art and has tainted my relationship with it.

Now we all know that “capitalism breeds innovation” is bullshit because just as aforementioned it only leads to burnout and exhaustion. Adding to the fact that consumerism is at an all-time high and the expectation to create as an artist is unfathomable. I am a cliche in the way that I only create when I feel. That goes for all of my work, I write when I have something to say, I’ll make a bracelet when I want to encapsulate a certain feeling or a song. My art is created in waves. So as you can imagine the expectation to always create stresses me the hell out! I have not been able to make jewelry or write in the ways I used to for months now. Whenever I sit down at my desk I get overwhelmed! To the point where I cannot pick up a bead, I retreat to my bed and rewatch American Dad (my current comfort show).

And you know whose fault this is? NOT MINE. It is not my fault that I have to exist in a time where mayo monstrosities rule and created the most crooked and inhumane system. To make matters worse, we are witnessing and living in the times of its collapse. While seeking to take us all down with it. Also, add in the current stress of having my sheer existence be lawed as illegal at any given moment and it makes sense why I would not be in the most appropriate headache to create. There is a multitude of other items on the list that make this current timeline a living hell. However, we will save this for another day.

Naturally, this stress makes me feel crazy because, in contrast, the majority of society acts obtuse to the fact that the system is failing. I know however I am not the only one who cares as activists have been here shouting and educating this whole time. It’s just that the absence of society’s empathy engenders a fear of releasing any art. Because if it is not good how would others understand that I am not in the right mindset to make the art that touches as it once did. As mentioned before my art is a physical manifesto of my feelings. And we have learned to know that society is not receptive to one’s expression of emotions.

Now of course I could transmute all this stressful energy into doing something to survive these end of times. And fortunately I do and have been volunteering and supporting non profits that are doing some really good work in the community. I am learning to be flexible and do what I can given the limitations that shackle us in this nation.

It’s just I do miss the creating I used to do. I want to be able to “Lock In” and achieve my artistic dreams. My main one is being able to release numerous collections with photoshoots of models that reflect my communities and becoming Houston’s version of Carrie Bradshaw.

But I have to remind myself that these pauses do not mean it will not happen. It will one day, but currently that’s not where my mind is at, and you know what that’s okay. If my art moves like water then I cannot fight against the current of my moody rivers. I just have to float and trust in where these processes will take. Reaffirming that is not my fault, true art retreat and takes breaks, and more importantly to breathe.