I am not a loser. I am someone who has just lost and is currently at a loss. I recently lost my job. Sad, yes. However, not having to work for a racist boss is a blessing with other optics. Of course, I’m terrified about what’s going to happen to my future because in this economy not having a job is essentially a death sentence. Yet I’m not new to these circumstances, and not necessarily talking about my career but the circumstance of having to start over.

It’s a phase that I’m sure we all have an aversion to. With starting over everything is new and uncertain, where you end up at the end is up in the air. On one hand, I am excited because I desperately wanted change and to begin a new journey that served me spiritually and physically. Yet now I have to accept that I have nothing concrete, nothing I can be certain of. Well maybe not nothing, I do have my wits, friends, and a stubborn pride to not give up.

With a new chapter now being written I have to decide what I want to do and how to make it different than the last time. In these beginning stages I find this task so daunting. How do I know what is right? Do I even have the energy to try a new routine? Is this a sign for me to stop dreaming of grandiose things? That last question I know is a lie but I’m someone who needs to filter every thought to better understand my situation and motive. There is so much to consider and do and my mind becomes frantic with all these thoughts. The “what ifs?” become louder and louder.

Sometimes I think, “god, I really am starting over” and that sucks. It really fucking sucks. Especially living in a world ruled by capitalism that harps us to constantly compare. To want what someone else has and not feel satiated by our current blessings. It seems like everyone is moving forward and I’m here back at the start of the race. I have to battle these thoughts in tandem with keeping an optimistic disposition. How cruel, don’t you think? In a lot of ways yes, but like I said I also enjoy new things.

I am choosing to see this as a good thing. This was just a Tower moment to clear out the bad that was debilitating my mental health. Now I can focus on choosing what really brings me peace and finally going after my desires. I want to become a fully fledged artist. To be known for my creations and commissioned! To go after dating the way I’ve always wanted and not be afraid of rejection. I can find a new light in me and let that illuminate every space I step into. The possibilities are endless! How exciting is that! To know that I can create and become anything. Maybe that might make me seem crazy but life has no regulations on what we can make of it. So what the hell? There is no harm in going after these silly little dreams, I have nothing but time anyways.

And if I can be quite honest, I have this unique ability to blossom in the darkest of nights. Perhaps I can thank being a Saturnian for this as the Lord Saturn builds us armor. Or maybe it is the Moon who reminds me that the light always returns. Either way, this could be the start of a beautiful chapter. Even if it doesn’t, well at least I can say I tried, and that to me is the most remarkable thing I can do in life <3.